Birth Control Costs More Than a Few Cups of Coffee

If you don't have insurance, birth control costs a lot more than a couple cups of coffee. The generic of the pill I'm prescribed costs $60 a month. Sure, some generics may cost as little as $8 a month, but you can only buy what you have a prescription for, and different birthcontrols have different effects on different people. If your body doesn't react well to some of the cheaper ones, then they aren't an option.  Some people suggest that we all just switch to condoms, but birth control is more effective, and you easier for a woman to control.  Plus, non-latex condoms are more expensive and less effective than the regular kind, but if you have a sensitivity to latex, like I do, they're the type you'd have to use if you want to have sex more than once a week-- and I think it's safe to assume that a lot of young folk want to have sex more than once a week, and also not get pregnant.  


What's also interesting is that it seems like a lot of people who are opposed to birth control or to having birth control covered by insurance are conflating a need for birth control with "screw[ing] everything in sight".  I'm all for people sleeping around if that's what works for them and keeps them happy in life... but statements like that are ignoring the fact that a lot of people who use birth control are in monogamous relationships, and others may be single and having sex quite rarely.  I'm married.  I'm a newlywed.  My husband and I aren't ready for children yet.  Birth control is what keeps us, a monogamous married couple, from having an unwanted pregnancy that we aren't financially or emotionally ready to deal with.


After a lot of research, I decided hormonal birth control is a better fit for me than an IUD or condoms (though I am considering looking into the arm implant, after I get insurance).  I've decided it is a WAY better fit than trying to track my fertility, since so many women do not have consistent cycles based on changes in diet, stress, and exposure to other women.  As I don't have insurance, so I pay $720 a year on the generic of the birth control my doctor prescribed, and i consider myself lucky that I'm not paying $1080 a year for it, the way a friend of mine who was prescribed birth control for non-contraceptive reasons does.

The first of our wedding pictures!

I think they just look amazing.  I can't wait for the rest!  Our photographer was also super friendly and fun to work with.

Go check them out: http://www.melissarobotti.com/blog/?p=6415

Kyl and Beck say a lot of stupid stuff, huh?

Ugh.

So, we all know Planned Parenthood is under attack from so many angles, and that so many people are lying about them, some senators (Hi Jon Kyl!  How is something presented as fact on the senate floor NOT meant to be taken as fact?) and some talk show hosts making ridiculous hyperbole (Hi Glen Beck! Hookers, huh?  Really?  I mean, REALLY?)  (and yes, I am not linking to these things because, hi, I'm sick, and also, hi, Google is your friend, really.

I don't even know how to respond.

We all know, or should know, at this point, that any abortions that PP does are not federally funded already due to the Hyde Amendment.  We also know, or should know by now, that abortion is only ~3% of what PP does.

Look, guys.  I'm a married 26 year old lady.  I think it is probably not a secret that I am having sex.  And since I am unemployed, my husband and I can't really afford to have a kid right now.  So you know what we do to prevent that?  BIRTH CONTROL.  and you know where I am going to most likely be going to get my birth control when my prescription runs out, since I have no insurance?  PLANNED PARENTHOOD.  And you know where I will most likely get my pap and yearly check up, that will ensure that I will be able to provide my husband with joyous offspring, thereby demonstrating his virility to the world in a Republican-approved manner?  PLANNED PARENTHOOD.  And you know what else I could go to PP for if I did manage to get knocked up earlier than planned despite the birth control?  PRENATAL CARE.  That's right, guys.  PP will do all the SUPER EXPENSIVE prenatal checkups a woman should have at an affordable price!  And if I wanted to get pregnant and had trouble conceiving, you know what else they could do?  Tell me all kinds of medical stuff about how to up my chances of conception!  Because they actually do employs doctors and nurse practitioners who know about this stuff!  If we wanted a kid and got pregnant now, PP would actually be able to help us have a healthy baby and reduce the risk of miscarriage!  

WHY DO YOU HATE HEALTHY BABIES, PEOPLE WHO HATE PLANNED PARENTHOOD?  WHY DO YOU HATE REDUCING STDS AND CHECKING WOMEN FOR CANCER?  I CAN YELL JUST AS WELL AS YOU CAN!

Walgreens and CVS can't prescribe me my birth control (that enables us to have condomless sex the way most men like it, GOP!).  They can't give me a pap smear and help make sure I don't get cancer (Are they going to look up my vag in the stationary aisle?  The candy aisle?  No.  They DON'T DO THAT KIND OF STUFF).  They can sell me vitamins, but can they sample my blood and help me deal with gestational diabetes if I get it?  NO, THEY CAN'T.  The kids in pharmacy school who usually fill my prescriptions may well not even know of doctor's offices to refer me to if I need a specialist!

So, yeah, guys.  Planned Parenthood does provide abortions, and in my opinion, that's a super important thing that shouldn't be prevented.  But through their birth control services, they do a whole hell of a lot more to prevent abortion than the Right does, and through their many many services, they do a whole hell of a lot that benefits married men and women, whether the lady in the equation is a housewife or holds down a demanding career.

Oh, and for the dudes who want to sleep around while they're young and single?  WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY GET TESTED FOR STDS AFTER COLLEGE, HUH?

EDIT: Oh My God, Stephen Colbert.  I think I love you.  How did I not know about this clip until right now, 2:01 PM?

sick. sniffle sniffle

After waking up from a horrible nightmare (that sounds SO STUPID when I relate it, so don't even ask) I discovered that my low level stuffyness has turned into a full fledged cold.  But I still feel fine, except for the whole hot stretched face thing I get when ill.  So I am adamantly trying to fix it via hot tea, and some chicken carcasses which are currently in the oven and which will be a lovely thick broth in a few hours.

Because that's how I combat being ill.  I make chicken soup from scratch.  Ridiculous, I know.

At any rate, it puts a damper on plans for today which included a cleaning frenzy (not sure I have the energy) taxes (which will get done), and a steamed crab leg or panko encrusted scallop dinner... but I think the flavors are far too delicate for my mouth to currently appreciate them.

The point is, all this has me thinking about all the small obstacles or stops that happen in daily living, and how easy some are to get around, and how difficult others are to deal with.  My passport, for example, is somewhere hidden in the apartment.  THANKS CATS.  Which normally wouldn't be a problem, but I'm trying to get my name changed on all my official documents, and I sort of need to have it with me.  This makes it a Big Hassle.  But not being able to cook the dinner I want?  Not a big hassle!

Anyway, I'm sick today.

In a lot of popular media, when a woman gets sick, she's portrayed as being a martyr, while men are portrayed as being enlarged children who wine and moan and need to be taken care of.  It's a pretty shitty portrayal for both parties, because for women, it says we must be self-sacrificing and that paying attention to our own needs is not acceptable.  For men, it says they're juvenile idiots.  Modern advertising often manages to be sexist in a way that's both misogynist and misandric at the same time, which is impressive in a saddening way.  Men aren't all idiots, and women aren't all martyrs.  It would be nice to see more ads with people behaving in non-gender-stereotyped ways.

In our house, JD does a lot of taking care of me when I'm ill.  If I'm too ill to make my chicken soup, he goes and buys me soup from the drugstore or Trader Joe's, and he heats it up for me.  It sounds like a little thing, but it's sweet, and it's him being the caretaker, a role men are often not shown in, even though many men do fill the role with ease.  And when JD gets sick, he tries to hide it and tough it out in a way very similar to how moms are often shown in commercials.  He just... ignores the sickness until it leaves his body, or takes over.  I wish I could do that, but I guess I'm too much of a mess or something.

And now, I'm going to drink my tea, and prepare to give JD a sad, suffering face when he comes in the room, as a means to display that wah, I'm sick.  Oh, and blow my nose.  Nonstop.  Because red, chapped nostrils are just so attractive.

Anyway, if this post makes less sense than normal... well, I guess I might be sicker than I think I am.  Funzies.

I didn't realize until now that a wedding gift could be offensive

We received today a wedding present from an older couple who were invited to the wedding, but not able to attend.  The present consists of a generous gift card, and a book.

The book is Unplanned, by Abby Johnson.  It's "The dramatic true story of a former Planned Parenthood leader's eye-opening journey across the life line".  Abby Johnson, as you may recall, made national news when she quit her job as a director of a Texas Planned Parenthood.  Citing sudden religious conviction and a new realization about how abortion worked.

They thought I "might find the book interesting, in light of our conversation" at our engagement party about my goals to work for a pro-choice non-profit-- in my dream world, Planned Parenthood, and that "Often an evil is made to look like a good, as was the case in the author's personal experience".

I would find the book an odd and inappropriate gift if they had not known about my personal politics and feelings, but the fact that they did know makes it not only inappropriate, but offensive.  It's like a very personal attack, in a way-- implying that my life goals and beliefs are evil.  I know, as JD mentioned, that they are probably doing this is some misguided effort to save my soul, but we're moving to the city they live in.  There are more effective and appropriate ways of challenging someone's views then sending them something like this as a wedding present and implying you think their path is one of evil.  It's rude and unkind and not a loving action.

I have no desire to read the book.  I read some things in the news when she resigned, saw how her story seemed a little... off (How can someone be a director of PP and not know how abortion works?  Or have never seen an ultrasound?)

Abortion is a necessary medical procedure for many women.  It is important, and while I would love for the number of abortions to be reduced through greater access and affordability of birth control and greater access to sex ed, the availability of abortion must be protected, for the sake of women's health.  I've never had an abortion, or even a pregnancy scare, so it isn't an issue that has directly affected me in the ways it has so many others, but it is so, so important, and I will fight to keep abortion safe, legal, and available for women who need it.

I just don't even know what to say.

I guess this is my first Oklahoma culture shock (even though I know they are not representative of most Oklahomans, or even any of the other Oklahomans I have met.)

Uhoh, I think I'm a housewife

For now, at least.

I mean, I'm unemployed, I'm not in school, and I'm not currently studying for anything...

So am I a housewife?  If so, I'm a pretty sucky one.  All I've done in two weeks of being married is cook some dinners, clean the bathtub, and clean the roomba a few times.

But to be fair, if I'm a housewife, JD's a househusband.

The hardest part about us both being unemployed is the utter lack of schedule-- there's not need to wake up or go to sleep at any given time, and while there are deadlines (hello new bar application, taxes, and finding a new apartment!) there is no set schedule to follow during the day.  Hmm.

Maybe tomorrow I should make a recipe from one of my new cookbooks.  I'm definitely doing laundry, if nothing else!

We got married!

We're married!!!

I don't really even know what to say.  I can gush and get all gooey, but really, this blog isn't hard core MY PERSONAL LIFE AND FEELINGS, but I am so super happy.

JD was so handsome.  I looked like a pretty pretty princess.  Everyone thought our priest was pretty much the best ever, and that he gave the best homily ever.  A lot of people liked the excerpt from Goodridge.  People loved the party and the food (I think), and the first dance was just fantastic.  For me at least.  Everyone else just got to stare at us stare at each other :-)

I know I wanted a smaller wedding, but actually, I did have a lot of fun.  and while people do say something goes wrong at every wedding, the only things that went "wrong" at ours were very small-- the flowers were lovely but not at all what I ordered, and the bar at the venue decided that cherry heering and maraschino liquor would work totally the same in a cocktail, which... they are both cherry, sure, but have VERY different flavor profiles, and different colors, which meant that their attempt at our cocktail was too sweet and not green.  But as things go?  No big deal!  No one noticed, and no one cared!  (well, JD and I cared about the cocktail.  But whatever, people seemed to enjoy chartreuse and tonics instead)

And the ceremony itself was so, so, so perfect.  So perfect.  I cried, but I was able to stop and keep it under control and say my vows without desperate sobbing.  

So yeah.  I'm married!!!  Which is awesome!  And tonight, we're back at home, both still exhausted from our whirlwind of days and love and excitement and friends (seeing everyone from so many stages of life together was... intense.  So, so, cool).

I've got nothing political or ideological here to say, just-- I'm in love, and I'm thrilled, and I have the best husband in the world :-)

On changing my name when I get married.

Say my name, say my name...

Or don't.

Because what is is now, is not what it'll be in two weeks.

I wasn't planning to change my name when JD and i went to the town hall to file for our marriage license, but I wasn't planning to keep it, either.  I'd thought a medium amount about the concept of changing my name, and had started multiple blog posts dissecting the many good and bad reasons to change my name, and the many good and bad reasons to keep my name-- because there are a lot of both, for each-- but I hadn't actually come to a decision yet,  I wanted my decision to be well thought out, in line with all my beliefs and desires, and consistent with all my other political and personal opinions.

In the end?  It turns out in my town, when you register for marriage, each spouse has to put down what hir post-marriage name will be on the form.

And I did not know that until I was there, filling out the form.

And I didn't have time to think.

And I ended up putting down JD's last name.

Would I have done so if I had thought about it?  I don't know.  Would I have done it if we hadn't argued about something small the night before?  Would I have done so if it had been a different time of day, and I was more awake?  Again, I really don't know.

So I made the decision, and I made it on the moment instead of in a reasoned manner.

Honestly?  I think it's good that I didn't consider it too much.  Whatever I had decided, I'd have questioned it-- because there are good and bad points to both decisions, and I could see them both, and i find it a very close decision.  I know Jessica Valenti, in her (not very well done) book about double binds goes off on women who change their name... but why is it so much worse than heels or makeup or short skits, all of which I (and Valenti!) do too?  I am a feminist, my politics are feminist, but I live in a world that is not fully feminist, and I want to have the same last name as my husband-- and JD, I knew,was and  is not about to change his name.

So, as it turns out, having the same last name is more important to me than keeping my name.

So, in two weeks time I'll be Amanda Y instead of Amanda X.  And you know what?  I'll still be me.

Our invitations are here!

Guess who's going to be doing a lot of envelope addressing in the next few days....

It's getting more and more real :-) :-)

I can't wait to be married to JD!

Half Your Shit

The idea that if you're a man*, and you get divorced, that the woman "takes half your shit" really, really, bothers me.  Because what it's implying is, that if marital assets are split fifty-fifty...  and she takes half the assets... and she's taking "half his shit"... well, it's implying that none of it was hers to start with.  That everything is his, his, his.  And that's pretty problematic.  The easiest angle to address this from is that where both partners are working and making similar amounts of money.  Is she really taking half your shit, when half of the money that bought that shit came from her?  No.   That should be obvious.

So, what about when she isn't working, when she's a housewife, or a stay at home mom?  Guess what-- even if the income is solely yours, it still isn't all "your" shit.  Because one of the fundamental parts of marriage is that the two of you are becoming a unit-- and if one partner doesn't work, they're still a full part of that unit.  Things that are brought into the marriage belong to both partners, not just one of them-- because this is supposed to be a joining of lives, not just a convenient roommate situation.  Everything belongs to one partner only in the sense that everything also belongs to the other partner. They're both co owners in everything.  Because it's a partnership.

If your view on marriage is one where you're suspicious that your partner would "take half your shit", you might be a little too selfish for marriage-- and if your partner is the kind of person who might try to screw you over in a divorce, maybe you should think again about why you want to marry them.  I guess part of this just goes back to my belief that marriage should be a partnership, a unity formed of two souls, in which you both really care for each other, and in which anything one of you has is freely shared with the other, in which both people act for the good of the partnership, and act with love, rather than with reality-tv style selfishness.  I know that divorce has got to be absolutely awful, but it's no excuse for either partner to become overwhelming selfish and possessive-- even though I know that a lot of divorces come down to couples fighting over who gets the china that they both hated.  But hurting people shouldn't be the norm, and it shouldn't be expected, and it especially shouldn't be encouraged.  And when you're talking about her taking "half your shit" and it's a hypothetical, then you are encouraging that selfish behavior and you are encouraging it from both sides.  And that is reprehensible.

*I'm assuming a straight couple for this, because while I see straight guys complaining about the possibility of a future partner someday "taking half his shit", I haven't seen it from gay men or women.

On tradition

Tradition!  Tradition!

When you are planning a wedding people really like to talk about tradition.  A lot.  And at length.

Tradition and I are on shaky grounds right now.  See, I like tradition in some aspects.  Having fillet mignon for breakfast Christmas morning directly after opening presents, with some nice music in the background?  That's a tradition I like.  It's something I've done every Christmas I've spent at my parents' house, and it's significant to me because it's tied up with my childhood memories.  It's a continuation and reminder of my childhood in many ways.  I also love some of the tradition you get in a sorority-- the outfits we'd wear to initiation, the ritual you know every other chapter also follows, and has been following for decades-- that's pretty awesome, and it's a way of having continuity throughout the group, and something that will link and bind different chapters of women who have never met together.

But wedding traditions?  Well...  they really don't have that much significance to me, and in a lot of cases, I just plain don't like them.

Let me be clear:  I think doing something, solely because it is tradition, is stupid.  I think NOT doing something, solely because it is tradition, is ALSO stupid.  The fact that something is or is not traditional is not what makes me like it or hate it-- but I feel a bit that when I reject things that are "traditional" as if I might be disappointing people-- yet if I do them, I'll be disappointing myself, and tainting the wedding in my mind.

It's very rough for me, as much as I like to please other people, to try to be true to myself and JD here and not just give in and having a wedding that I will hate that will make me sad.  But I just can't.  I can't start out marriage off with something that feels alien to me, something that makes me feel uncomfortable.

So in a lot of cases?  I'm rejecting tradition.  Not because it is tradition-- but because I don't like the connotations of it, or the origin of it, or even the aesthetic of it.

I will, for example, not be wearing a veil.  I don't like the aesthetic of the veil, and I don't like the ideas behind it-- hiding my blushing pure face from people?  Please.  I want to get married with my eyes wide open, staring at JD as we affirm our love and commitment.  I don't want anything to get in the way.  I also don't want to be walked down the aisle by my father.  This is the one I feel the most guilty about, but the connotations of it just deeply disturb me.  It feels like a transfer of property-- like I belong to my father, and then am given to my husband.  Like I am not making my own choice, like I am not a person with agency.  The fact that it is one man, and then i am transferred to another man just bothers me, even though my father is wonderful.  What I would like to do is actually borrow from another tradition.  In many Jewish weddings, the groom is escorted down the aisle by his parents, and the bride is escorted down the aisle by hers.  I like the symbolism and imagery of that-- both of us are leaving our family, both of us are equal, and there isn't the same connotation of woman as property, since we would both be shown to be parting from our parents.  I also like that it incorproates both of my parents, because they're both absolutely wonderful people who, I think, did a great job of raising me.

I'm not parting from all tradition-- I'm planning to wear a white(ish?) dress, and I will incorporate something old, new, borrowed, and blue-- largely because incorporating something blue gives me an excuse to paint my nails a fierce blue :-)  (and yes, I know the something blue is usually lingerie, but nail polish is So. Fun.)  I'll admit, the connotations of a white dress-- with purity and innocence and all that-- do bother me.  But here, I guess my vanity is winning out over my principles-- because I look AMAZING in my wedding dress.  It also isn't technically white-- it's ivory-- which makes me feel at least a touch better.

It's just hard, in thinking about all this, to balance my principles and the expectations of others.  I'm not doing traditional things for tradition's sake-- but the times when I refuse to do traditional things, it isn't simply because I'm trying to flaunt tradition.

We want our wedding to reflect us.  To be purely JD and Amanda.  And if we stick to pure tradition, well-- we'd just be playing roles, instead of being ourselves.

I said "Yes" to a dress

JD and I spent the past ten days visiting his family in Oklahoma, and as part of our trip, his mother took the two of us to Dallas so that she and I could look at wedding dresses there.  I had already looked some in Ohio, and had found one I liked... then looked a bit more in Oklahoma and found a few other good ones.  But in Dallas...

Well, I found the perfect dress, and surprisingly enough, it doesn't have a lot of what I initially wanted.  It doesn't have straps, it isn't a v-neck, it has a high waist instead of a drop waist, and it isn't the material I had in mind, or even quite as creamy colored as I wanted, being much closer to a true white.

But when I tried it on... people, I can TWIRL in this dress.  I look like I stepped out of Swan Lake or something.  I AM AN ETHEREAL FAIRY PRINCESS!  Which is, you know, hard when you're taller than the height of the average American man.  The hilarious part is that one of the dresses I tried on was everything I said I wanted coming in.  It was the perfect dress that I'd built up in my head.  But... it just wasn't perfect.
And the dress I'm going to wear... oh, it is.

We've now accomplished a total of one step on our giant wedding checklist, but hey!  They say starting is the hardest part.  And now I just have to momentum it all forward!

Money, Money, Money

One of the stranger aspects of being in a Real Grownup Relationship is that my financial decisions are no longer really... my own.  JD and I have separate bank accounts, but that still doesn't mean that my financial actions don't impact him.  One of the big decisions now is that  need to take out a bar loan, to be able to pay for the bar application, pay for the bar course, pay rent, eat, and if need be even buy some more business clothes so that if I get a job any time soon, I have something other than jeans and my interview suit to wear.

There are a few options for bar loans, with different interest rates, and different payment and deferment schedules, and I can determine the amount I need to take out, up to a set limit.  Except... I'm not deciding any of this.  At least, not me alone.  JD and I are going to go chat with an associate of the bank that seems to have one of the best rate/deferment options, and we're going to discuss our options, and then make the decision together.

And yes, this loan will be in my name alone, and technically my debt alone.  But we're starting a family!  A two person family, sure, but my financial decisions now impact him, because they impact my overall ability to do things, and the standard of life I'll be capable of-- and that's relevant, when you have someone who is your equal partner, and who gets a say in all important life decisions.

And this loan thing is one of the first things to really make it sink in that, WOW, this time next year I'l going to be a lawyer and married and a REAL ADULT!!!

Some days, I still feel like a 12 year old.

But then...  I think about the problems that I spend all day thinking about, and I think about the law, and I realize, hey!  I'm capable of complex legal thought an analysis, and I'm responsible, and I actually have life goals and I'm totally going to be married!  And I figure, well, if I managed to make it this far--  I can totally manage the rest of being a grown up ok.

Even when it means talking about how to spend "my" money.  Because we're going to be talking about how to spend "his" money too.  Because really?  We're in this together.  Marriage is about making a partnership, and making it work.  And everyone works on how to balance things differently-- especially in money-- but making sure the conversation is had, and that we're on the same page?  We'll, we're doing pretty good on that, even if it is mildly terrifying.  Money is one of the top three things couples fight about-- the other two being sex and childrearing-- and relinquishing independence in this area, and entering into a partnership regarding money puts me in a place of vulnerability.  I'm not giving up my independence-- but I'm joining it to this relationship.  And JD is too.  And from now on, all the important decisions either of us makes about our lives?  Well, they'll be joint decisions.  And that... is really, in the end, kind of cool.