Moving

Moving is exhausting and apparently pisses off your cats.

JD and I are unpacking in earnest, but we won't have a regular internet connection until sometime Monday.

People down here are much more forward than they are in Boston.  I get that it's being friendly, but after living in Boston for four years, where people are perfectly friendly if not outgoing, it seems almost rude.  Small cultural differences even inside the same country.

I am fairly certain there is literally nothing within safe walking distance of the apartment (safe meaning, I am not crossing a highway on foot, thanks).

Moving is always strange to me, and I always change some as a result of my surroundings.

It'll be interesting to see what happens this time.

Happy Mother's Day!

Today being mother's day, I had different thoughts running through my head about cultural expectations of mothers, and media representations, and the work that goes into being a mom, and the role of motherhood in feminism, but...

I deleted all my thoughts on those.

Because really, I just want to say I have an awesome mom.  She is like me in many ways, and utterly unlike me in many other ways.  When I was younger, we didn't always get along so well.  Even now, we often disagree.  But she's awesome, and she was a really good mom.  

She did, and does, small little things to show me that she cares-- thoughtful things that are really sweet and unnecessary.  Like making my favorite kind of cookies, and waking me up when i visit home instead of having me set my alarm.  Going shopping with me, and letting me pick movies when we go to them together.  

Some specific things I remember from years ago-- when I was a kid, I used to have this unicorn, that rotated and played a song when you wound it up.  i knocked it off the highest dresser in my room one day, and even though my floor was carpeted, it still shattered.  My mom glued all the tiny pieces back together again.

I also had a small stuff cat that I carried literally EVERYWHERE.  To the point that the cat came off to college with me... to law school with me... and now has a place on our bookshelves.  Judge all you want, but that kitty has sentimental value.  Anyway, sewn to the cat's mouth is this small little pillow with the words "With Love" written on it.  Except... the pillow fell off.  So my mom sewed it back on.  And it fell off again.  and she sewed it on again.  All the way up until I was old enough that I sometimes left if in my room and it wasn't treated quite as harshly.  Granted, the pillow was probably only falling off all the time for a year of so, because time feels longer when you're a kid, but my mom rescuing and fixing White Kitten (creative naming, huh?  There was also a Grey Kitten that wasn't nearly as soft or cute, and which was discarded.) every single time meant a LOT to me as a kid.  And hell, it means a lot to me now.  She didn't have to do it, but she did, repeatedly.

And she still does awesome stuff now, but now it's generally more in the talking and being supportive realm, since I can sew and cook and fix things if I break them... and since she lives in another state, we're mostly limited to talking.  But my parents did send JD and me an Easter basket of delicious candy this year, so some small and awesome things are still done even from out of state!  :-)

And, in a coincidence of good timing, I get to see both my parents on Tuesday :-)

I think conversations about the variability of what people like in bed are fascinating.  I don't say much about my own sexuality here (other than the obvious, that I'm married to a dude!), but one thing I will say is that I don't watch porn.  I get why others do, but it just has never interested me.  So, for an outsider's view, reading about what people are actually looking for and at is super interesting.  And a study just came out talking about porn and search terms.  I know this study is poorly researched and not at all valid ( which has been discussed in some of the science blogs I read, though i can't remember which ones, or I'd go read them now!  And if I knew at the time it was about sexuality research, I would have paid more attention to those posts!  But since it came in the midst of a sea of posts on climate, I just ignored, sadly, but at least i recognized the researchers names), but I think it's still worth thinking about, because of the basic assumptions of what porn is, and who views it, and the fact that even if they have their numbers wrong, the searches themselves do exist.

See, in general, it seems as if porn is angled as something men view to see women.  Obviously there is porn made for women, and porn made for gay men, but the idea of porn directed at straight men that depicts women as sex objects to be used/consumed is the predominant one, both among anti-porn groups, and in casual discussions about porn online and off, even with people who use porn regularly.  But i know plenty of ladies who enjoy porn, too, and some guys who don't.  One of my best friends from college discovered porn when she was about 14, and proceeded to lock herself up every day after school and watch it for hour.  A guy I knew in college said that he never watched porn because it was never as creative or specific as his imagination could be.  Granted, I'm not saying either of them is representative of their genders, but just that the scope of how people interact with porn is likely broader than most of us initially picture.

I haven't read the full study, just the highlights on Jezebel (which, as I always mention, is a site that I strongly feel has gone downhill and which I would not call feminist, but which I still read because hell, it may be little more than a news aggregator these days, but it's an aggregator of things that interest me, at least).  Two of the things they highlight are that there are a surprisingly large umber of searches for older women and fat/chubby women.  Though this is likely in part due to the fact that a non specific porn search will turn up a lot of young, thing woman, it IS worth noting, because we as a society so often desexualize heavier and older women-- but there are plenty of people out there for whom that's right up their alley.

And yes, there are conversations to be had about whether being reduced to a sex object is actually progress, but I still think acknowledgement that different people like different things is important.

It emphasizes how much personal preferences play into who we find attractive-- something that really first hit me in college when I realized that my closest girl friends and i did not really have overlapping taste in men.  And when I realized most people find Brad Pitt hot.  Personally, I think he has a nice body, but looks like a monkey.  But anyway-- variety abounds!  And preferences for different parts of that variety abound too!  So much of culture and, from what I understand, mainstream porn tells us that there is something that is universally desirable, and that all people would go for that if given the chance-- but the porn searches (and conversations in which people just can not figure out where their friends are coming from) show that that isn't really the case.

Why I don't have pink hair

I've been thinking some about personal preferences for one's partner, mainly due to some reddit threads, most of which focus on the always argumentative topic of pubic hair grooming.  It's really interesting to me how different people are in what they think is reasonable in a relationship-- the people there span from those who don't think it's appropriate to ask a partner to change anything about themselves, to those who think its fine to ask them to change things that take real effort, like weight loss.

I'm somewhere in the middle, there-- because on one hand, I really strongly value bodily autonomy and being happy with yourself, and on the other hand, I do get that sexual attraction is an important part of adult romantic relationships.  Which means that I don't have pink hair, since JD finds it appalling, but I also am not entirely sure what his favorite style of clothing is for women, since I wear what i like.

Point is, I think that compromise is an important part of relationships, and I think that that compromise can-- and sometimes should-- extend even into parts of yourself as personal as appearance, whether its shaving, haircuts, facial hair, clothing styles... basically, if it isn't something you are really uncomfortable with, or something that is against your morals, or something that is unsafe/expensive... why the hell not at least give it a try?

So many blogs, especially feminist and sex-positive blogs, talk about how we should generally be willing to try our partner's kinks (though I DID also just read a really good post about how we should respect the more vanilla partner more than many sexuality bloggers do, but since I open too many tabs, which then crashes chrome and makes me lose all the tabs... no linky.  sadface).  And if we're encouraging people to embrace things they aren't totally comfortable with in the bedroom (which, granted, is private), why is it so bad for people to "change" aspects of their physical appearance for a partner?

I'm not advocating a total extreme makeup, or changing a style completely.  That's not a compromise either.  And I strongly feel that the person whose body it is should get far larger than fifty percent of say in what's going on with it.  But I do think a partner's preferences, and their sexual turn ons, should get some consideration if it's a serious relationship, especially since people grow more comfortable talking about what they do and do not like as relationships become more serious.

A part of feminism is owning your own body, and be honest about your wants and needs, but I don't think that doing things to please a partner are at all in conflict with that-- especially if your partner is also doing things to please you.

EDIT: JD has pointed out that he thinks pink hair would be cute on me, but inappropriate for someone who is going to be an attorney.

The first of our wedding pictures!

I think they just look amazing.  I can't wait for the rest!  Our photographer was also super friendly and fun to work with.

Go check them out: http://www.melissarobotti.com/blog/?p=6415

Kyl and Beck say a lot of stupid stuff, huh?

Ugh.

So, we all know Planned Parenthood is under attack from so many angles, and that so many people are lying about them, some senators (Hi Jon Kyl!  How is something presented as fact on the senate floor NOT meant to be taken as fact?) and some talk show hosts making ridiculous hyperbole (Hi Glen Beck! Hookers, huh?  Really?  I mean, REALLY?)  (and yes, I am not linking to these things because, hi, I'm sick, and also, hi, Google is your friend, really.

I don't even know how to respond.

We all know, or should know, at this point, that any abortions that PP does are not federally funded already due to the Hyde Amendment.  We also know, or should know by now, that abortion is only ~3% of what PP does.

Look, guys.  I'm a married 26 year old lady.  I think it is probably not a secret that I am having sex.  And since I am unemployed, my husband and I can't really afford to have a kid right now.  So you know what we do to prevent that?  BIRTH CONTROL.  and you know where I am going to most likely be going to get my birth control when my prescription runs out, since I have no insurance?  PLANNED PARENTHOOD.  And you know where I will most likely get my pap and yearly check up, that will ensure that I will be able to provide my husband with joyous offspring, thereby demonstrating his virility to the world in a Republican-approved manner?  PLANNED PARENTHOOD.  And you know what else I could go to PP for if I did manage to get knocked up earlier than planned despite the birth control?  PRENATAL CARE.  That's right, guys.  PP will do all the SUPER EXPENSIVE prenatal checkups a woman should have at an affordable price!  And if I wanted to get pregnant and had trouble conceiving, you know what else they could do?  Tell me all kinds of medical stuff about how to up my chances of conception!  Because they actually do employs doctors and nurse practitioners who know about this stuff!  If we wanted a kid and got pregnant now, PP would actually be able to help us have a healthy baby and reduce the risk of miscarriage!  

WHY DO YOU HATE HEALTHY BABIES, PEOPLE WHO HATE PLANNED PARENTHOOD?  WHY DO YOU HATE REDUCING STDS AND CHECKING WOMEN FOR CANCER?  I CAN YELL JUST AS WELL AS YOU CAN!

Walgreens and CVS can't prescribe me my birth control (that enables us to have condomless sex the way most men like it, GOP!).  They can't give me a pap smear and help make sure I don't get cancer (Are they going to look up my vag in the stationary aisle?  The candy aisle?  No.  They DON'T DO THAT KIND OF STUFF).  They can sell me vitamins, but can they sample my blood and help me deal with gestational diabetes if I get it?  NO, THEY CAN'T.  The kids in pharmacy school who usually fill my prescriptions may well not even know of doctor's offices to refer me to if I need a specialist!

So, yeah, guys.  Planned Parenthood does provide abortions, and in my opinion, that's a super important thing that shouldn't be prevented.  But through their birth control services, they do a whole hell of a lot more to prevent abortion than the Right does, and through their many many services, they do a whole hell of a lot that benefits married men and women, whether the lady in the equation is a housewife or holds down a demanding career.

Oh, and for the dudes who want to sleep around while they're young and single?  WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY GET TESTED FOR STDS AFTER COLLEGE, HUH?

EDIT: Oh My God, Stephen Colbert.  I think I love you.  How did I not know about this clip until right now, 2:01 PM?

I hate the T

I realize I just posted, I live on the green line.

So check this out: http://www.howfuckedisthet.com/green/

Or, if you live on another line, http://www.howfuckedisthet.com/ will allow you to examine any of them, based on their real time data!

I hate the T.  I am consistently half an hour early or half an hour late to nearly everything, even when I leave at the same time.

sick. sniffle sniffle

After waking up from a horrible nightmare (that sounds SO STUPID when I relate it, so don't even ask) I discovered that my low level stuffyness has turned into a full fledged cold.  But I still feel fine, except for the whole hot stretched face thing I get when ill.  So I am adamantly trying to fix it via hot tea, and some chicken carcasses which are currently in the oven and which will be a lovely thick broth in a few hours.

Because that's how I combat being ill.  I make chicken soup from scratch.  Ridiculous, I know.

At any rate, it puts a damper on plans for today which included a cleaning frenzy (not sure I have the energy) taxes (which will get done), and a steamed crab leg or panko encrusted scallop dinner... but I think the flavors are far too delicate for my mouth to currently appreciate them.

The point is, all this has me thinking about all the small obstacles or stops that happen in daily living, and how easy some are to get around, and how difficult others are to deal with.  My passport, for example, is somewhere hidden in the apartment.  THANKS CATS.  Which normally wouldn't be a problem, but I'm trying to get my name changed on all my official documents, and I sort of need to have it with me.  This makes it a Big Hassle.  But not being able to cook the dinner I want?  Not a big hassle!

Anyway, I'm sick today.

In a lot of popular media, when a woman gets sick, she's portrayed as being a martyr, while men are portrayed as being enlarged children who wine and moan and need to be taken care of.  It's a pretty shitty portrayal for both parties, because for women, it says we must be self-sacrificing and that paying attention to our own needs is not acceptable.  For men, it says they're juvenile idiots.  Modern advertising often manages to be sexist in a way that's both misogynist and misandric at the same time, which is impressive in a saddening way.  Men aren't all idiots, and women aren't all martyrs.  It would be nice to see more ads with people behaving in non-gender-stereotyped ways.

In our house, JD does a lot of taking care of me when I'm ill.  If I'm too ill to make my chicken soup, he goes and buys me soup from the drugstore or Trader Joe's, and he heats it up for me.  It sounds like a little thing, but it's sweet, and it's him being the caretaker, a role men are often not shown in, even though many men do fill the role with ease.  And when JD gets sick, he tries to hide it and tough it out in a way very similar to how moms are often shown in commercials.  He just... ignores the sickness until it leaves his body, or takes over.  I wish I could do that, but I guess I'm too much of a mess or something.

And now, I'm going to drink my tea, and prepare to give JD a sad, suffering face when he comes in the room, as a means to display that wah, I'm sick.  Oh, and blow my nose.  Nonstop.  Because red, chapped nostrils are just so attractive.

Anyway, if this post makes less sense than normal... well, I guess I might be sicker than I think I am.  Funzies.

I didn't realize until now that a wedding gift could be offensive

We received today a wedding present from an older couple who were invited to the wedding, but not able to attend.  The present consists of a generous gift card, and a book.

The book is Unplanned, by Abby Johnson.  It's "The dramatic true story of a former Planned Parenthood leader's eye-opening journey across the life line".  Abby Johnson, as you may recall, made national news when she quit her job as a director of a Texas Planned Parenthood.  Citing sudden religious conviction and a new realization about how abortion worked.

They thought I "might find the book interesting, in light of our conversation" at our engagement party about my goals to work for a pro-choice non-profit-- in my dream world, Planned Parenthood, and that "Often an evil is made to look like a good, as was the case in the author's personal experience".

I would find the book an odd and inappropriate gift if they had not known about my personal politics and feelings, but the fact that they did know makes it not only inappropriate, but offensive.  It's like a very personal attack, in a way-- implying that my life goals and beliefs are evil.  I know, as JD mentioned, that they are probably doing this is some misguided effort to save my soul, but we're moving to the city they live in.  There are more effective and appropriate ways of challenging someone's views then sending them something like this as a wedding present and implying you think their path is one of evil.  It's rude and unkind and not a loving action.

I have no desire to read the book.  I read some things in the news when she resigned, saw how her story seemed a little... off (How can someone be a director of PP and not know how abortion works?  Or have never seen an ultrasound?)

Abortion is a necessary medical procedure for many women.  It is important, and while I would love for the number of abortions to be reduced through greater access and affordability of birth control and greater access to sex ed, the availability of abortion must be protected, for the sake of women's health.  I've never had an abortion, or even a pregnancy scare, so it isn't an issue that has directly affected me in the ways it has so many others, but it is so, so important, and I will fight to keep abortion safe, legal, and available for women who need it.

I just don't even know what to say.

I guess this is my first Oklahoma culture shock (even though I know they are not representative of most Oklahomans, or even any of the other Oklahomans I have met.)

Uhoh, I think I'm a housewife

For now, at least.

I mean, I'm unemployed, I'm not in school, and I'm not currently studying for anything...

So am I a housewife?  If so, I'm a pretty sucky one.  All I've done in two weeks of being married is cook some dinners, clean the bathtub, and clean the roomba a few times.

But to be fair, if I'm a housewife, JD's a househusband.

The hardest part about us both being unemployed is the utter lack of schedule-- there's not need to wake up or go to sleep at any given time, and while there are deadlines (hello new bar application, taxes, and finding a new apartment!) there is no set schedule to follow during the day.  Hmm.

Maybe tomorrow I should make a recipe from one of my new cookbooks.  I'm definitely doing laundry, if nothing else!

We got married!

We're married!!!

I don't really even know what to say.  I can gush and get all gooey, but really, this blog isn't hard core MY PERSONAL LIFE AND FEELINGS, but I am so super happy.

JD was so handsome.  I looked like a pretty pretty princess.  Everyone thought our priest was pretty much the best ever, and that he gave the best homily ever.  A lot of people liked the excerpt from Goodridge.  People loved the party and the food (I think), and the first dance was just fantastic.  For me at least.  Everyone else just got to stare at us stare at each other :-)

I know I wanted a smaller wedding, but actually, I did have a lot of fun.  and while people do say something goes wrong at every wedding, the only things that went "wrong" at ours were very small-- the flowers were lovely but not at all what I ordered, and the bar at the venue decided that cherry heering and maraschino liquor would work totally the same in a cocktail, which... they are both cherry, sure, but have VERY different flavor profiles, and different colors, which meant that their attempt at our cocktail was too sweet and not green.  But as things go?  No big deal!  No one noticed, and no one cared!  (well, JD and I cared about the cocktail.  But whatever, people seemed to enjoy chartreuse and tonics instead)

And the ceremony itself was so, so, so perfect.  So perfect.  I cried, but I was able to stop and keep it under control and say my vows without desperate sobbing.  

So yeah.  I'm married!!!  Which is awesome!  And tonight, we're back at home, both still exhausted from our whirlwind of days and love and excitement and friends (seeing everyone from so many stages of life together was... intense.  So, so, cool).

I've got nothing political or ideological here to say, just-- I'm in love, and I'm thrilled, and I have the best husband in the world :-)

How to have a perfect evening

Relax on the couch in a clean apartment.

Edith Piaf pandora station on.

Lights on the medium side of the dimmer.

Quite, soothing hum of the dishwasher in the background.

Wonderful fiance sitting at his desk.

Fresh mug of tea, fresh glass of ice water.

fantastic maroon/brown nail polish.

2 good books to read.

2 gorgeous, friendly kittens gamboling around.

plans to cook breakfast for dinner of bacon, homefries, and asparagus.

On changing my name when I get married.

Say my name, say my name...

Or don't.

Because what is is now, is not what it'll be in two weeks.

I wasn't planning to change my name when JD and i went to the town hall to file for our marriage license, but I wasn't planning to keep it, either.  I'd thought a medium amount about the concept of changing my name, and had started multiple blog posts dissecting the many good and bad reasons to change my name, and the many good and bad reasons to keep my name-- because there are a lot of both, for each-- but I hadn't actually come to a decision yet,  I wanted my decision to be well thought out, in line with all my beliefs and desires, and consistent with all my other political and personal opinions.

In the end?  It turns out in my town, when you register for marriage, each spouse has to put down what hir post-marriage name will be on the form.

And I did not know that until I was there, filling out the form.

And I didn't have time to think.

And I ended up putting down JD's last name.

Would I have done so if I had thought about it?  I don't know.  Would I have done it if we hadn't argued about something small the night before?  Would I have done so if it had been a different time of day, and I was more awake?  Again, I really don't know.

So I made the decision, and I made it on the moment instead of in a reasoned manner.

Honestly?  I think it's good that I didn't consider it too much.  Whatever I had decided, I'd have questioned it-- because there are good and bad points to both decisions, and I could see them both, and i find it a very close decision.  I know Jessica Valenti, in her (not very well done) book about double binds goes off on women who change their name... but why is it so much worse than heels or makeup or short skits, all of which I (and Valenti!) do too?  I am a feminist, my politics are feminist, but I live in a world that is not fully feminist, and I want to have the same last name as my husband-- and JD, I knew,was and  is not about to change his name.

So, as it turns out, having the same last name is more important to me than keeping my name.

So, in two weeks time I'll be Amanda Y instead of Amanda X.  And you know what?  I'll still be me.

I love love, of course I love Valentine's Day.

Forget the roses and chocolates and stupid ideas about it's culturally expected to express love an affection to a romantic partner.  At it's core, Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, not about things or the exchange of things.  (Yes, I did get JD a present-- he got some organic beef jerky, bison jerky, and little... beef... sticks?  like  slim jims, but real meat. And yes, he already got them, so that he could nom on them during the Duke game.)  But I'm a total sap for love-- I think we should all tell the people we love that we love them more often, whether they're out romantic loves, family members, or just friends.  Just... don't get hung up on the stupid commercialization of the holiday, which is so steeped in outdated gender roles and material things.  Instead, get in touch with love!  Kiss your pets, your partner, send a letter to your best friend from college, or your old roommate, or just post a cheery message to your sibling or cousin's facebook!  Reach out and emote in a positive way!

Also, last year I wrote a couple of posts on Valentine's Day.  I link to them below!
Valentine's Day
Ghosts of Valentine's Past

On Being Groped By a Stranger, or My First TSA Pat-Down

As I write this, I'm sitting in Boston Logan airport, past security, and at my gate.  I think Logan is a really good airport, actually, in terms of efficiency, ease of access, and generally friendly staff.  So I want you to know this is not a complaint about the airport, but about the procedure itself.

When I travel, I usually travel with JD.  This is the first time I've traveled without him in years, actually.  We like being together, and we don't really have any reasons to travel alone, currently.  We'd discussed the backscatter vs the patdown before, and I'd come to the conclusion that, as much as I didn't like the idea of being groped, it was better than being exposed to unknown radiation risk, especially since both of my parents have had cancer, with my dad's skin cancer reappearing multiple times.  In our ideal scenario, i would request to be patted down in a private room with JD present.  But JD wasn't there today, and I was nervous and so, I got the pat down in public.

My terminal wasn't very full-- only a few people behind me to watch the patdown-- but it was still unnerving to be patted down in full view of others, because it really does involve groping.  The woman administering it was very professional, and told me everything she was doing in advance, but it was still unnerving to have someone touching areas that I generally don't let people who are not JD touch.  And in public.  I didn't get the breast cup and lift some people described, but the crotch cupping and but and breast contouring were quite unnerving as it was.

It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, but for some reason, I still feel dirty and embarrassed.    Not dirty like I did anything bad, but dirty like skin-crawling.  It WAS embarrassing though, and it was strange and I did not like it.  I will still pick it over the backscatter, but now that it isn't just a hypothetical, my "whatever, I'll choose the sexual assault option" grumbling is less hypothetical.  I wasn't harmed in anyway, but... in a culture that does value bodily privacy and autonomy, it isn't pleasant to be touched in ways you don't approve of , in public, by a stranger.

Also: I forgot to take my liquids bag out of my purse.  They didn't notice that, though.