What is Feminist Sex?

Hestia over at The Coming Night wrote a piece asking just that question, and looking at it from a second wave and radical perspective, though she herself is not a feminist.  I came to a different answer than she did, since the feminism I and most of my feminist contemporaries embrace is not that of the radicals or the second wavers.

Feminist sex is that which is consensual, freely chosen, and takes into consideration the pleasure of all the parties involved.  I was curious to see if my friends had a similar take on it, so I asked a couple of them before writing this post.

"I think feminist sex is about getting what you want out of sex and not faking the Big O" --Jane

"Clearly consensual, with carefully sourced porn.  Takes into account the pleasure and preferences of both partners." --Jenny

Feminist sex is sex that realizes that what women want matters every bit as much as what men want.  Feminist sex is sex which is focused on pleasure and the journey, rather than solely the goal of male orgasm.  Feminist sex is sex where neither party is pressured to "perform" for the self esteem of the other.  Feminist sex can be man on top or woman on top, doggy style, include a element of S&M, vanilla, all oral, use sex toys, be inside a heterosexual marriage or happen during a lesbian three ways of strangers, be the best sex of your life or be just an average encounter.  The trappings of it don't matter as much as the spirit.

I know there are people who disagree with me.  Separatist feminists, radical feminists, and political lesbians all likely do.  Sex positive feminists, formal equality feminists, and liberal feminists are far more likely to agree with me.  It's actually really hard to try to pin down "feminist sex" because... well, it's hard to pin down feminism.  Different people automatically associate themselves with the different subsets.  I'm a liberal sex positive third wave feminist, as are most of the feminists I know- and I have a very strong feeling that liberal, sex positive feminism is what is currently dominating the feminism movement.  So I don't have any qualms saying that sex with a man, inside a heterosexual marriage, that includes giving oral sex and being tied to the bed for penetrative sex, is just as feminist as lesbian sex where both participants give and receive exactly the same actions, or heterosexual sex where the man is the one giving oral sex and tied to the bed for a session of pegging.  

I know some people will argue that whenever a woman is being dominated, it's unfeminist, and that if she thinks she likes it, she's a victim of false consciousness.  I'll admit that there are probably some women out there who are victims of false consciousness... but there are also those of us who are given to a lot of introspection and analysis of our thoughts, feelings, and desires.  Telling women they can't be submissive in bed as just as restrictive as telling them they must be.  There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that your desires are off the beaten path-- and if you have a partner that thinks it sounds interesting, there's nothing wrong with exploring those desires.  There's also nothing inherently degrading or demeaning about oral sex for either party-- because there is nothing unfeminist about wanting to give your partner pleasure.  If you are always only focused on your partner's pleasure at the expense of your own, that's like a problem, and likely not feminist sex.  But giving oral because you love your partner and want to make him or her happy, and because you delight in your partner's happiness?  I don't see any way that isn't feminist. 

Feminism is about choices-- and men and women having the equal ability to make choices that determine their lives and to have equal access and opportunity to act on their choices.  As such, any attempt to tell a woman that for her sex to be feminist it must stick to certain scripts and ignore any desires that place her partner in power over her must ultimately fail.  The keys to feminist sex are choice, communication, and having an active role in making sure all participants enjoy the sex they're having.