Monday, February 15, 2010

Bridesmaids

Holy yikes, guys, I'm getting married in just over a year, and I've gotta pick out some bridesmaids and, I'm assuming, ask them sometime soon.

So! How do you pick a bridesmaid? And how do you ask them, when you don't really have a set date, just a month we're hoping for. I have girls in mind, but... how do you deal with the fact that some of your close friends don't have money? and some are flakes? and some might be living in Israel during the wedding? and there are other friends who might be offended that you're not asking them, because if you're asking X, and she's such a flake/slut/mess/jerk/you'veknownherforlikeayearandwe'vebeenfriendsforeveromg why aren't you asking meeeeee, omg omg, hater!

Gah. I mean, I'm hoping most of my friends are a little more mature than that. But um. I don't know! I've only been a bridesmaid once, and that was for a family wedding! And while my friends are pretty much all smart, funny, caring women.... well, we're all still human. And some of them might get hurt if they aren't asked-- and others might get annoyed with the cost and obligation if they are asked, and still do it anyway out of duty.

I also don't like the fact that picking bridesmaids means I'm going to be categorizing my friends and essentially saying that some are closer to me than others. Part of it is the whole fear of rejection thing, and the idea that my friends will say "What? You think we're that close?". And part of it is just the transient nature of friendships-- the people I'm picking now are not all the ones I would have picked 2, or 4 years ago-- while I've managed to stay in touch deeecentllly with the ones form college and highschool, I do wonder if I will manage to keep in touch with them. I'm really awful at staying in contact, and I don't want anyone to feel like "why did I do this? Who is this bride chick?" in 20 years.

I know this isn't a big deal, really, in the grand scheme of things. But it's my wedding, damn it, and if I want to over-analyze things I will.

(also, I'd honestly be happy without bridesmaids, but we're having a relatively stereotypical wedding-- I don't want to be drowned in the tears of the guilt of our mothers. My parents will be sad enough when i finally break it to them that I don't like the idea of being "given away", and confused when they figure out we want part of Goodridge read.)

4 comments:

Leigh said...

I like your wedding reading. I've been keeping my eyes open for one for us that is non-religious--I was thinking Whitman, but I'm still not 100% certain.

Meg said...

Well, I asked my best friend from high school and my best friend from grad school. I said, "Hey, we're getting married, would you please be a bridesmaid? I love you and I want you next to me. You can wear whatever you want as long as it's green, and you don't have to do anything else except be there and have fun." One came to a shower, one didn't. The night before the rehersal dinner, Erica and the two of them took me dancing for 80s night at a club in J's neighborhood. It was all super low key.

And for my brother, who was my man of honor, I said, "Hey, I love you best of all my friends, be my man of honor?" and he said, "Do I have to plan a bachelorette party?" and I said, "Um, no way," and he said, "Cool." And then we let him wear a zoot suit. So he was happy.

dlynnthompson said...

Really REALLY trying not to be overly critical here, but considering your feminist background, do you not find it a bit odd that you are having a large, traditional wedding? Considering that most of the traditions associated with WASP weddings (not calling you one, just using the abbreviation) are based on heteronormative patriarchy it seems strange to me that you would perpetuate these practices.

Amanda said...

D. Lynn Thompson-- I've actually been meaning to write a post about why I'm having a relatively typical wedding, because you're right, it does raise some concerns. The main reasons are out of respect to our families' wishes, honestly. I am, however, not going to be walked down the aisle by my father, and am not going to make any vows to obey my fiance. The idea of a public declaration is important to me, and my fiance wants a big party with our friends to celebrate. So, yes, I'm probably going to wear a white dress, and repeat some vows and have some Christian readings, but we're also going to have a section of Goodridge, and a mutual declaration of love and respect for each other.