I have goals. I have things I care about. And I definately have a path that I want my life to follow.
What I don't have is an overwhelming career-driven ambition. I don't have the same kind of passion that so many of my friends do-- from a girl who wants to go into animal rights law, to a girl who is studying how to prevent and cure cancer.
I have things that interest me! I'm not a boring person, devoid of any career goals-- right now I'm thinking I'll focus on either copyright, which is intellectually very interesting to me, or reproductive rights, which are probably the closest I come to having a career oriented passion.
But, if I can't do either of those options, I'll be fine doing something else. My personal life, my ideas of a future family life, are more important to me than specific career ideas-- though I do want a good career!
Sometimes, I feel as if this is a moral failing.
I feel like I should be devoted to some career path, I should be more ambitious. I used to have ambition. I used to practically define myself by my ambition-- and my achievements. But then my achievements kept not living up to my ambition, and so I scrapped ambition to some degree-- or at least, the type of ambition I used to have. I wonder if this is just a natural result of getting older and more complex, or if its a result of not being quite as smart as I thought I was when I was younger. I wonder if the lack of ambition is linked to my changing mental state. I wonder.
Ambition is valued so much in America-- the whole American dream seems to be upward mobility, but damn it, even just going to law school is practically doing that for me. Is my problem then just that I don't value what society does? And given how utterly messed up society is-- is that maybe a good thing?
I don't know. I've accepted that this is who I am-- a girl whose ambitions are mainly not in the career mold, and whose career ambitions equate to reasonable pay, reasonable hours, reasonably intellectually interesting, rather than specifically anything. And I'm fine with that.
But it would be nice to have a little more passion, and direction, when it comes time to look for my post-law-school-job.